I used to think I knew pain. I used to think loss meant the boy who stopped caring the way he used to, or losing touch with a friend. These things are NOT loss. I used to think that bad things happened only to other people. The tragedies you here about on the news and read about in magazines, those don't happen to real people. They are stories, sad stories, but just stories. Bad things never really happen to you. That's what I used to think.
I now know the true meaning of pain. I know what it means to have something completely ripped out from underneath you without a second's notice, and to be left wondering what the HELL just happened. I know what it feels like to have a million thoughts and nowhere for them to go, and feeling like there is absolutely nobody around you who can possibly understand what you are feeling. I know what it feels like to wake up in the morning and forgetting, for just those three seconds, that everything has changed. I know how it feels to be completely unable to think about anything else, and to question yourself and what life means. It's confusion, hurt, blame, tears... it's crying one minute, being in complete disbelief the next, thinking you can accept it, and then just feeling absolutely nothing. The smiles hurt more than the tears. Trying to be happy takes everything out of me. Trying to understand is exhausting. Trying to forget is impossible.
It's not easy to comprehend why someone so beautiful was taken away from us. Maybe it's because the world is such an awful, ugly place. Sometimes remembering this helps, because I know that she will never have to feel an instant of pain, or hurt, or disappointment, or heartache. Her brother is such a blessing, and I am so happy that he is here with us. Having him helps. I don't know that any of us would be able to function if it weren't for this gorgeous little boy who has entered our lives. But it certainly doesn't take the pain away. It will always be there. Every time Benjamin celebrates a birthday, we will wonder why, WHY Olivia isn't here celebrating it with him. He will take his first steps and go off to school, and Olivia won't. It doesn't make sense. It never will.
Olivia, I hope you know how much everyone loves you and wishes that you could be here with us. We will miss you and think about you every single day that you are not here. Please look over Benjamin and keep him safe. We love you baby girl.
11.29.07-11.29.07.
