Beautiful baby girl.

I used to think I knew pain. I used to think loss meant the boy who stopped caring the way he used to, or losing touch with a friend. These things are NOT loss. I used to think that bad things happened only to other people. The tragedies you here about on the news and read about in magazines, those don't happen to real people. They are stories, sad stories, but just stories. Bad things never really happen to you. That's what I used to think.

I now know the true meaning of pain. I know what it means to have something completely ripped out from underneath you without a second's notice, and to be left wondering what the HELL just happened. I know what it feels like to have a million thoughts and nowhere for them to go, and feeling like there is absolutely nobody around you who can possibly understand what you are feeling. I know what it feels like to wake up in the morning and forgetting, for just those three seconds, that everything has changed. I know how it feels to be completely unable to think about anything else, and to question yourself and what life means. It's confusion, hurt, blame, tears... it's crying one minute, being in complete disbelief the next, thinking you can accept it, and then just feeling absolutely nothing. The smiles hurt more than the tears. Trying to be happy takes everything out of me. Trying to understand is exhausting. Trying to forget is impossible.

It's not easy to comprehend why someone so beautiful was taken away from us. Maybe it's because the world is such an awful, ugly place. Sometimes remembering this helps, because I know that she will never have to feel an instant of pain, or hurt, or disappointment, or heartache. Her brother is such a blessing, and I am so happy that he is here with us. Having him helps. I don't know that any of us would be able to function if it weren't for this gorgeous little boy who has entered our lives. But it certainly doesn't take the pain away. It will always be there. Every time Benjamin celebrates a birthday, we will wonder why, WHY Olivia isn't here celebrating it with him. He will take his first steps and go off to school, and Olivia won't. It doesn't make sense. It never will.

Olivia, I hope you know how much everyone loves you and wishes that you could be here with us. We will miss you and think about you every single day that you are not here. Please look over Benjamin and keep him safe. We love you baby girl.

Olivia Grace Lutz
11.29.07-11.29.07.

Easy money is wonderful.

Cash Crate is my best friend. Seriously.

I mean, how can making money get any easier? You have a couple of minutes, fill out a couple of forms and surveys online, and before you know it you've made fifty bucks. At first I was wary and thought it might be a scam, but I put my first check in the bank last week and it's totally legit. (:

If you want to give it a shot, sign up here:
Cash Crate

LB stands for pound.

I haven't had a day off in way too long.

I hate work. Okay, that's not really true. There are days when I really like work. It depends on the people I'm working with and what section I'm stuck in. I'm glad so many people there take their jobs so seriously, but this is not my career. This is my way of getting through college and paying for an overpriced apartment where the internet wonks out every few days and it sounds like elephants going up the stairs outside the door. But it is NOT my career. I hate retail. And I especially hate that I don't get to see my family for Thanksgiving because of retail.

Also, eBAY hates me. I haven't had any luck selling for a long time. Somebody tell me all the secrets!

Returning live creatures.

So me and B decided to get rabbits yesterday.

And today we decided to take them back.

I feel soooo bad. B really loved the bunnies, and so did I, but I am definitely not ready to stress about the responsibility of having another pet. Let's face it, I can barely afford to feed myself right now. It's the joy of being in your third year of college and the first year having to deal with rent bills and utility bills and phone bills and... well, bills. Money is an issue and will be for the next, oh, at least 10 years of my life (and probably forever), so I feel that I should not take on the life of another creature right now. Probablyyy something I should have considered before actually making the purchase, but hey. You live and learn. Not only that, but I knew my parents would be pretty disappointed, and since I let guilt eat me away, I had to get rid of it. Hence, getting rid of the bunnies. However, they were the two cutest in the litter, so I am positive they will find good homes.

Finally found an awesome picture to hang in my bedroom next year- 80% off at Kohl's and exactly what I was looking for. Gotta love finding the thing you're looking for in the most unlikely places, huh? Right now it is making its home in the dining room, since it doesn't match me and B's bedroom decor at all.

Oh, and another THRILLING day at the LB. I rearranged and straightened the entire jean wall and then steamed some shirts and dressed some forms. Talk about a rush.

Tomorrow is Halloween and I'm not even excited. Weird.

Realization

I have finally realized exactly what is important to me. There are four people that I cannot live without and that I think I would literally die for without a moment's thought. My mother, my father, and my two sisters. They visited me this weekend and I have never been more heartbroken to see people drive away. Part of me wishes I would have never chosen to go to school so far away, but the rest of me is so thankful for it, because it forced me to realize how much they mean to me and how completely lost I would be without them. The distance truly brought us closer, and I thank God everyday for giving me such wonderful people to lean on.

I'm really sick of school. I'm tired of being up here and having to work a part-time job that I don't even like that much to support living in an apartment that is way too small to support to growing 20-year-olds. I want so much to live on my own next year, but I cannot afford it. There's no way, especially since I have to stay up here now to take 2 summer classes. I don't want to whine, but I seriously hate this situation.

I'm going to crash soon. With the exception of the past two days (which were far from relaxing, since it was go go go with my family), I have not had a single day off of school and work in 3 weeks, and there is no day off in sight. I don't mind putting in hard work and getting things done, and I know that I need the money, but everyone needs some time to unwind and take care of themselves. I haven't been able to do that for quite awhile, and I feel myself burning out. I feel like my plate is just constantly overloaded. It makes me moody and I dread being around other people because I have to paste on a smile. I feel like just ONE day where I don't have to worry about anything would really help me get myself organized and prepared to deal with everything that I need to get done in the next two months. I'm a terrible planner, and even when I do plan I seem to stray from the things I need to get done. I think that doing this is an effect of not having any time to myself, because when I do catch a minute or two, the LAST thing I want to worry about is planning and organizing and thinking about all of the work I have to do. Have I mentioned that growing up BLOWS?!

It feels like everyone around me is on their way to achieving all of their dreams... everyone except me. I don't even know that I want to be a teacher anymore. In fact, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. But I feel like I'm too far in and my parents have put way too much money into me going to college for me to just up and change my mind now. Honestly, the things that I hope for in life seem so simple in theory- a good husband, a couple of kids, a nice house and maybe a dog. I would have been perfect in the 50s. And yet here I am, boyfriendless with no possibilities (I don't even have the slightest real attraction to anyone), nowhere nearer to my goal than I was at the age of 12. It's like the world around me is spinning, and I'm just... stuck in place.

Maybe I'm just doing everything wrong.