I have finally realized exactly what is important to me. There are four people that I cannot live without and that I think I would literally die for without a moment's thought. My mother, my father, and my two sisters. They visited me this weekend and I have never been more heartbroken to see people drive away. Part of me wishes I would have never chosen to go to school so far away, but the rest of me is so thankful for it, because it forced me to realize how much they mean to me and how completely lost I would be without them. The distance truly brought us closer, and I thank God everyday for giving me such wonderful people to lean on.
I'm really sick of school. I'm tired of being up here and having to work a part-time job that I don't even like that much to support living in an apartment that is way too small to support to growing 20-year-olds. I want so much to live on my own next year, but I cannot afford it. There's no way, especially since I have to stay up here now to take 2 summer classes. I don't want to whine, but I seriously hate this situation.
I'm going to crash soon. With the exception of the past two days (which were far from relaxing, since it was go go go with my family), I have not had a single day off of school and work in 3 weeks, and there is no day off in sight. I don't mind putting in hard work and getting things done, and I know that I need the money, but everyone needs some time to unwind and take care of themselves. I haven't been able to do that for quite awhile, and I feel myself burning out. I feel like my plate is just constantly overloaded. It makes me moody and I dread being around other people because I have to paste on a smile. I feel like just ONE day where I don't have to worry about anything would really help me get myself organized and prepared to deal with everything that I need to get done in the next two months. I'm a terrible planner, and even when I do plan I seem to stray from the things I need to get done. I think that doing this is an effect of not having any time to myself, because when I do catch a minute or two, the LAST thing I want to worry about is planning and organizing and thinking about all of the work I have to do. Have I mentioned that growing up BLOWS?!
It feels like everyone around me is on their way to achieving all of their dreams... everyone except me. I don't even know that I want to be a teacher anymore. In fact, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. But I feel like I'm too far in and my parents have put way too much money into me going to college for me to just up and change my mind now. Honestly, the things that I hope for in life seem so simple in theory- a good husband, a couple of kids, a nice house and maybe a dog. I would have been perfect in the 50s. And yet here I am, boyfriendless with no possibilities (I don't even have the slightest real attraction to anyone), nowhere nearer to my goal than I was at the age of 12. It's like the world around me is spinning, and I'm just... stuck in place.
Maybe I'm just doing everything wrong.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Realization
I have finally realized exactly what is important to me. There are four people that I cannot live without and that I think I would literally die for without a moment's thought. My mother, my father, and my two sisters. They visited me this weekend and I have never been more heartbroken to see people drive away. Part of me wishes I would have never chosen to go to school so far away, but the rest of me is so thankful for it, because it forced me to realize how much they mean to me and how completely lost I would be without them. The distance truly brought us closer, and I thank God everyday for giving me such wonderful people to lean on.
I'm really sick of school. I'm tired of being up here and having to work a part-time job that I don't even like that much to support living in an apartment that is way too small to support to growing 20-year-olds. I want so much to live on my own next year, but I cannot afford it. There's no way, especially since I have to stay up here now to take 2 summer classes. I don't want to whine, but I seriously hate this situation.
I'm going to crash soon. With the exception of the past two days (which were far from relaxing, since it was go go go with my family), I have not had a single day off of school and work in 3 weeks, and there is no day off in sight. I don't mind putting in hard work and getting things done, and I know that I need the money, but everyone needs some time to unwind and take care of themselves. I haven't been able to do that for quite awhile, and I feel myself burning out. I feel like my plate is just constantly overloaded. It makes me moody and I dread being around other people because I have to paste on a smile. I feel like just ONE day where I don't have to worry about anything would really help me get myself organized and prepared to deal with everything that I need to get done in the next two months. I'm a terrible planner, and even when I do plan I seem to stray from the things I need to get done. I think that doing this is an effect of not having any time to myself, because when I do catch a minute or two, the LAST thing I want to worry about is planning and organizing and thinking about all of the work I have to do. Have I mentioned that growing up BLOWS?!
It feels like everyone around me is on their way to achieving all of their dreams... everyone except me. I don't even know that I want to be a teacher anymore. In fact, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. But I feel like I'm too far in and my parents have put way too much money into me going to college for me to just up and change my mind now. Honestly, the things that I hope for in life seem so simple in theory- a good husband, a couple of kids, a nice house and maybe a dog. I would have been perfect in the 50s. And yet here I am, boyfriendless with no possibilities (I don't even have the slightest real attraction to anyone), nowhere nearer to my goal than I was at the age of 12. It's like the world around me is spinning, and I'm just... stuck in place.
Maybe I'm just doing everything wrong.
I'm really sick of school. I'm tired of being up here and having to work a part-time job that I don't even like that much to support living in an apartment that is way too small to support to growing 20-year-olds. I want so much to live on my own next year, but I cannot afford it. There's no way, especially since I have to stay up here now to take 2 summer classes. I don't want to whine, but I seriously hate this situation.
I'm going to crash soon. With the exception of the past two days (which were far from relaxing, since it was go go go with my family), I have not had a single day off of school and work in 3 weeks, and there is no day off in sight. I don't mind putting in hard work and getting things done, and I know that I need the money, but everyone needs some time to unwind and take care of themselves. I haven't been able to do that for quite awhile, and I feel myself burning out. I feel like my plate is just constantly overloaded. It makes me moody and I dread being around other people because I have to paste on a smile. I feel like just ONE day where I don't have to worry about anything would really help me get myself organized and prepared to deal with everything that I need to get done in the next two months. I'm a terrible planner, and even when I do plan I seem to stray from the things I need to get done. I think that doing this is an effect of not having any time to myself, because when I do catch a minute or two, the LAST thing I want to worry about is planning and organizing and thinking about all of the work I have to do. Have I mentioned that growing up BLOWS?!
It feels like everyone around me is on their way to achieving all of their dreams... everyone except me. I don't even know that I want to be a teacher anymore. In fact, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. But I feel like I'm too far in and my parents have put way too much money into me going to college for me to just up and change my mind now. Honestly, the things that I hope for in life seem so simple in theory- a good husband, a couple of kids, a nice house and maybe a dog. I would have been perfect in the 50s. And yet here I am, boyfriendless with no possibilities (I don't even have the slightest real attraction to anyone), nowhere nearer to my goal than I was at the age of 12. It's like the world around me is spinning, and I'm just... stuck in place.
Maybe I'm just doing everything wrong.
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