I've been feeling down.
It's been a weekend full of emotions. I miss my niece, horribly. I think missing her has escalated other emotions. And with that, the feeling of being alone and lonely.
I was supposed to go on a blind date last night. I haven't dated in years, and the reason for that is a whole other post. The point is, it was going to be the first in quite some time. And that's just sad. I'm 21 years old and I'm already feeling resigned to being alone for the duration of my life. I have my family, and I have good friends. But love? I don't exactly have that. Not romantic love, that is.
As it is, I didn't go on my date. I chalked it up to being exhausted- I worked 1-10 and my mind and heart were heavy because of the anniversary of my niece's death. Sadly, I didn't think too hard on that. I think she knows I love and miss her... in fact, I HAVE to believe she knows. I didn't even cry. Does that make me a terrible person? I feel bad about it. I started to on my drive home last night, but the tears didn't make it out of my eyes. Is it okay that I didn't cry? I feel like I've cried over her so many times that... well, I didn't yesterday. I do need to spend some time being with her. I may do that tonight. It's just, when I do spend my time with her, it often effects me for days, more so than normal. It takes me to a pretty dark place. I'm not sure I'm ready to go there quite yet. And I think she understands that.
Loneliness.
For several reasons, I won't be going out with this particular person in the future, either. I'm sure he's a perfectly decent guy, but his reaction to our broken date, when we haven't even met yet- I'm not prepared to deal with someone like that.
And frankly, I'm afraid of what another person might do to me. I have a lot of things in my life, a lot to be thankful for. And I am thankful. And I'm worried about the pitfalls of relationships- the jealousy it can bring, and the worry, and the doubt. And I am worried that it might change me. I've been closer to God this year than ever before in my life. I was thinking about all this when something came to me:
God will never leave me.
And just that fact in and of itself, that should be enough. Why am I so worried about finding someone? And not even finding someone... someone who isn't going to change who I am. Someone who shares my love of Jesus, someone who will love me, completely and deeply, for the person that I am. Does this man even exist? It seems that God is the one, the only one, who can give that to me.
And that's really enough.
It has to be. Who else knows me more than I know myself? Who will look at me, accept me completely?
Does that mean I'm going to stop looking for that kind, generous, loving Christian man that seems to exist only in my head? No, probably not. Maybe he's out there somewhere. Maybe not.
This post has taken all kinds of turns in directions I'm not sure I meant for it to take. I appreciate you (all of you!) for taking the time to read a little, or some, or all of it.
Have a nice week, everyone.
Showing posts with label Olivia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Olivia. Show all posts
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Alone?
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
No clever title.
I hope everyone had a blessed Thanksgiving and enjoyed the day with their loved ones! Mine was nice, even if I did spend it alone. I read Harry Potter all day with movies playing in the background. I also went to the grocery and made myself a nice Thanksgiving dinner- pork chops, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, rolls, and pumpkin pie. I'm going to have leftovers for a week!
I also talked with my sister-in-law a lot (texting) about my new niece who is due in April. Bill doesn't care about the name this time around, so Melissa said she and I will decide. YES! Those of you who know me, know I love baby names! :P We settled on maybe using Hailey last night. Her style is a little different than mine, and of course the final decision is up to her, but it's still fun! I love being a part of her life like this, even before she is officially "here".
Speaking of nieces, tomorrow will be one year since we lost Olivia. I'm not going to write a lot about it now, and I might not write much about it tomorrow, either. I just want to try to be with myself and with her as I deal with whatever comes. It's very confusing to have my nephew's first birthday on the same anniversary of the day I said goodbye to Liv. I'm sure I'll be dealing with a whole load of emotions. If you wish, please keep Bill and Melissa, and Ben too, in your prayers tomorrow.
Until next time...
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Showing posts with label Olivia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Olivia. Show all posts
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Alone?
I've been feeling down.
It's been a weekend full of emotions. I miss my niece, horribly. I think missing her has escalated other emotions. And with that, the feeling of being alone and lonely.
I was supposed to go on a blind date last night. I haven't dated in years, and the reason for that is a whole other post. The point is, it was going to be the first in quite some time. And that's just sad. I'm 21 years old and I'm already feeling resigned to being alone for the duration of my life. I have my family, and I have good friends. But love? I don't exactly have that. Not romantic love, that is.
As it is, I didn't go on my date. I chalked it up to being exhausted- I worked 1-10 and my mind and heart were heavy because of the anniversary of my niece's death. Sadly, I didn't think too hard on that. I think she knows I love and miss her... in fact, I HAVE to believe she knows. I didn't even cry. Does that make me a terrible person? I feel bad about it. I started to on my drive home last night, but the tears didn't make it out of my eyes. Is it okay that I didn't cry? I feel like I've cried over her so many times that... well, I didn't yesterday. I do need to spend some time being with her. I may do that tonight. It's just, when I do spend my time with her, it often effects me for days, more so than normal. It takes me to a pretty dark place. I'm not sure I'm ready to go there quite yet. And I think she understands that.
Loneliness.
For several reasons, I won't be going out with this particular person in the future, either. I'm sure he's a perfectly decent guy, but his reaction to our broken date, when we haven't even met yet- I'm not prepared to deal with someone like that.
And frankly, I'm afraid of what another person might do to me. I have a lot of things in my life, a lot to be thankful for. And I am thankful. And I'm worried about the pitfalls of relationships- the jealousy it can bring, and the worry, and the doubt. And I am worried that it might change me. I've been closer to God this year than ever before in my life. I was thinking about all this when something came to me:
God will never leave me.
And just that fact in and of itself, that should be enough. Why am I so worried about finding someone? And not even finding someone... someone who isn't going to change who I am. Someone who shares my love of Jesus, someone who will love me, completely and deeply, for the person that I am. Does this man even exist? It seems that God is the one, the only one, who can give that to me.
And that's really enough.
It has to be. Who else knows me more than I know myself? Who will look at me, accept me completely?
Does that mean I'm going to stop looking for that kind, generous, loving Christian man that seems to exist only in my head? No, probably not. Maybe he's out there somewhere. Maybe not.
This post has taken all kinds of turns in directions I'm not sure I meant for it to take. I appreciate you (all of you!) for taking the time to read a little, or some, or all of it.
Have a nice week, everyone.
It's been a weekend full of emotions. I miss my niece, horribly. I think missing her has escalated other emotions. And with that, the feeling of being alone and lonely.
I was supposed to go on a blind date last night. I haven't dated in years, and the reason for that is a whole other post. The point is, it was going to be the first in quite some time. And that's just sad. I'm 21 years old and I'm already feeling resigned to being alone for the duration of my life. I have my family, and I have good friends. But love? I don't exactly have that. Not romantic love, that is.
As it is, I didn't go on my date. I chalked it up to being exhausted- I worked 1-10 and my mind and heart were heavy because of the anniversary of my niece's death. Sadly, I didn't think too hard on that. I think she knows I love and miss her... in fact, I HAVE to believe she knows. I didn't even cry. Does that make me a terrible person? I feel bad about it. I started to on my drive home last night, but the tears didn't make it out of my eyes. Is it okay that I didn't cry? I feel like I've cried over her so many times that... well, I didn't yesterday. I do need to spend some time being with her. I may do that tonight. It's just, when I do spend my time with her, it often effects me for days, more so than normal. It takes me to a pretty dark place. I'm not sure I'm ready to go there quite yet. And I think she understands that.
Loneliness.
For several reasons, I won't be going out with this particular person in the future, either. I'm sure he's a perfectly decent guy, but his reaction to our broken date, when we haven't even met yet- I'm not prepared to deal with someone like that.
And frankly, I'm afraid of what another person might do to me. I have a lot of things in my life, a lot to be thankful for. And I am thankful. And I'm worried about the pitfalls of relationships- the jealousy it can bring, and the worry, and the doubt. And I am worried that it might change me. I've been closer to God this year than ever before in my life. I was thinking about all this when something came to me:
God will never leave me.
And just that fact in and of itself, that should be enough. Why am I so worried about finding someone? And not even finding someone... someone who isn't going to change who I am. Someone who shares my love of Jesus, someone who will love me, completely and deeply, for the person that I am. Does this man even exist? It seems that God is the one, the only one, who can give that to me.
And that's really enough.
It has to be. Who else knows me more than I know myself? Who will look at me, accept me completely?
Does that mean I'm going to stop looking for that kind, generous, loving Christian man that seems to exist only in my head? No, probably not. Maybe he's out there somewhere. Maybe not.
This post has taken all kinds of turns in directions I'm not sure I meant for it to take. I appreciate you (all of you!) for taking the time to read a little, or some, or all of it.
Have a nice week, everyone.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
No clever title.
I hope everyone had a blessed Thanksgiving and enjoyed the day with their loved ones! Mine was nice, even if I did spend it alone. I read Harry Potter all day with movies playing in the background. I also went to the grocery and made myself a nice Thanksgiving dinner- pork chops, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, rolls, and pumpkin pie. I'm going to have leftovers for a week!
I also talked with my sister-in-law a lot (texting) about my new niece who is due in April. Bill doesn't care about the name this time around, so Melissa said she and I will decide. YES! Those of you who know me, know I love baby names! :P We settled on maybe using Hailey last night. Her style is a little different than mine, and of course the final decision is up to her, but it's still fun! I love being a part of her life like this, even before she is officially "here".
Speaking of nieces, tomorrow will be one year since we lost Olivia. I'm not going to write a lot about it now, and I might not write much about it tomorrow, either. I just want to try to be with myself and with her as I deal with whatever comes. It's very confusing to have my nephew's first birthday on the same anniversary of the day I said goodbye to Liv. I'm sure I'll be dealing with a whole load of emotions. If you wish, please keep Bill and Melissa, and Ben too, in your prayers tomorrow.
Until next time...
I also talked with my sister-in-law a lot (texting) about my new niece who is due in April. Bill doesn't care about the name this time around, so Melissa said she and I will decide. YES! Those of you who know me, know I love baby names! :P We settled on maybe using Hailey last night. Her style is a little different than mine, and of course the final decision is up to her, but it's still fun! I love being a part of her life like this, even before she is officially "here".
Speaking of nieces, tomorrow will be one year since we lost Olivia. I'm not going to write a lot about it now, and I might not write much about it tomorrow, either. I just want to try to be with myself and with her as I deal with whatever comes. It's very confusing to have my nephew's first birthday on the same anniversary of the day I said goodbye to Liv. I'm sure I'll be dealing with a whole load of emotions. If you wish, please keep Bill and Melissa, and Ben too, in your prayers tomorrow.
Until next time...
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