How curious.

I want to start off asking for prayers for Jessica Phillip's friends and family today. Jessica and a friend were in a car accident yesterday, and Jessica died as a result. This is the third friend my 17-year-old sister has lost due to a car accident. Wow. I guess I'm lucky, in a sense, that I haven't lost a close friend as she has. Please pray for her, and everyone else who knew and loved Jessica. This is a hard time for all- life always feels a bit surreal when someone dies so suddenly. I pray for their strength during this time, and I pray especially that they feel God's presence and allow Him to comfort them. Too often I hear from people how they lose a loved one, and along with it, lose God. But to me...

Without God, what is there?

I do not judge those for the way they grieve. I don't blame them for their struggles, with themselves or with the Lord. I simply pray that they find their way back. Please, pray with me.

I was going to go a different direction with this, but you know how it feels when you start typing and the words just come straight out of your fingertips, as if your mind has nothing at all to do with it. I guess I'm just questioning the way I deal with emotions. I was not raised to be extremely emotional, let-it-all-out, nor was I raised to keep them inside. I guess I'm my father's daughter in that I shut down when extreme emotions hit- he does the same. But today, he was reduced to tears (something that is hard for any daughter to see- dad's rarely cry!) And me? Stone. Okay, exaggeration. I feel sad for everyone who is feeling hurt and missing Jessica right now. Maybe I just don't know how to show that. I guess I'm sort of a wall, the go-to for people because I keep my "brave face". But it's not bravery... it almost feels like the opposite. Like I'm too afraid to let people see me upset, crying. Broken.

When Olivia died, I cried. But it took awhile. I remember feeling shock, feeling like I should be crying, that I should be screaming out to God and asking why? Why her? Instead, I shut out the world and took to my bed. Pushed away friends while acting like things were fine.

I wonder if they have emotion-rehab where I can learn not to turn to stone when a situation demands me to feel one way or another. I have no problem getting angry and frustrated and annoyed. I know how to be happy. But grief? Sadness? A whole different ball game, my friends.

And once again, this post has rambled on and probably makes no sense whatsoever. The point is- please, please pray for Jessica. Pray for her family, her friends, classmates, everyone who knew her. Pray especially for the friend who was also in the car and survived. Just, pray.