Lighten the mood

I got this off of another blog.
The things that I have done are in bold. I hope to expand this list!

Bought everyone in the bar a drink
Swam with wild dolphin
Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
Been inside the Great Pyramid
Held a tarantula
Taken a candle lit bath
Said I love you and meant it
Hugged a Tree
Bungee jumped
Visited Paris
Watched a lightening storm at sea
Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
Seen the Northern Lights
Gone to a huge sports game
Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
Grown and eaten your own vegetables
Touched an iceberg
Slept under the stars
Changed a baby’s diaper
Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
Watched a meteor shower
Gotten drunk on champagne
Given more than you can afford to charity
Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
Had a food fight
Bet on a winning horse
Asked out a stranger
Had a snowball fight
Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
Held a lamb
Seen a total eclipse
Ridden a roller coaster
Hit a home run
Danced like a fool, not caring who watched
Adopted an accent for an entire day
Actually felt happy about your life, even for a moment
Had two hard drives for your computer
Visited all 50 states
Taken care of someone who was too drunk
Had amazing Friends
Danced with a Stranger in a foreign country
Watched wild whales
Stolen a sign
Hitchhiked in Europe
Taken a road-trip
Gone rock climbing
Midnight walk on the beach
Gone sky diving
Visited Ireland
Been heartbroken longer than you were in love
In a restaurant sat at a stranger’s table and ate with them
Visited Japan
Milked a cow
Alphabetized your CDs
Pretended to be a superhero
Sung karaoke
Lounged around in bed all day
Posed nude in front of strangers- just kidding
Gone scuba diving
Kissed in the rain
Played in the mud
Played in the rain
Gone to a drive-in theater
Visited the Great Wall of China
Started a business
Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
Toured ancient sites
Taken a martial arts class
Played a computer game for more than 6 hours straight (back when Sims first came out! Haha)
Gotten married
Been in a movie
Crashed a party
Gotten divorced
Gone without food for 5 days
Made cookies from scratch
Won first prize in a costume contest
Ridden a gondola in Venice
Gotten a tattoo
Rafted the Snake River
Been on television news program as an “expert”
Got flowers for no reason
Performed on a stage
Been to Las Vegas
Recorded Music
Eaten shark
Had a one-night stand
Gone to Thailand
Bought a house
Been in a combat zone
Buried one/both of your parents
Been on a cruise ship
Spoken more than one language fluently
Performed in Rocky Horror
Raised Children
Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
Picked up and moved to another city
Walked on the Golden Gate Bridge
Sang loudly in the car and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
Had plastic surgery
Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have
Wrote articles for a large publication
Lost over 100 lbs
Held someone while they were having a flashback
Piloted an airplane
Petted a stingray
Broken someone’s heart
Helped an animal give birth
Won money on a TV game show
Broken a bone
Gone on an African safari
Had a body part below the neck pierced
Fired a rifle, shotgun or pistol
Eaten mushrooms gathered in the wild
Ridden a horse
Had major surgery
Had a snake as a pet
Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
Slept for more than 30 hours over 48 consecutive hours
Visited more foreign countries than US States
Visited all 7 continents
Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
Eaten Kangaroo meat
Eaten sushi
Had your picture in the paper
Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
Gone back to school
Parasailed
Petted a cockroach
Eaten fried green tomatoes
Read the Illiad
Selected one important author who you missed school to read
Killed and prepared an animal for eating
Skipped all of your school reunions
Communicated with someone without sharing a common language
Been elected to public office
Written your own computer language
Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
Had to put someone you love in hospice care
Build your own PC from parts
Sold your own artwork to someone that didn’t know it was yours
Had a booth in a street fair
Dyed your hair
Been a DJ
Shaved your head
Caused a car accident
Saved someone’s life

Any questions?
What have you done?

A thousand years ago

I texted my mother last night. The mother who gave birth to me, that is. The mother I grew up with and who I speak to everyday is my step-mother in a technical sense, but she is the one who raised me. They are both my mothers, but in very different senses of the word.

I don't talk to her often. I haven't seen her since I was 14 and my brother and sister were taken away from her, and in turn, taken away from me. My only brother, gone from my life, along with my youngest sister. They were only 3 and 1. I barely knew them, and at the same time I knew them inside and out. They were a part of me.

Sometimes I wonder when it is I'll stop carrying all this guilt around. I could have made the choice to go to their grandparents (who they live with) and ask to be a part of their lives. It wouldn't have been the same, but it would have been something. I was young and scared and I still believe my mom was always right. I decided it was the grandparents' fault, and I hated them. Now I thank God that my siblings are in a stable home, though I wish it could have been different. I wish my mother would have been able to step up and work through her problems, and be a parent.

I love my mom. I always have, even throughout my teen years when I thought she had abandoned me and ruined my life. My dad is my hero. I would be a completely different person without him. I would probably have kids on my own, a high-school dropout, and alcoholic... who knows. My mother is not a bad person, but she wasn't prepared to be a mom at the age of 19 when she got pregnant with me. I am so very thankful that she chose to give me life, and I will always, always love her for that.

I've spent years trying to work through my feelings with all of this. I don't think I'll ever really be okay with how it all turned out.

I just worry a lot. About my mom, mostly. I know my brother and sister are cared for, but I wonder... do they remember me? Do they know I exist? In ten years, will I get the chance to get to know them again? Or are they gone from me forever? These thoughts tear me shreds. They hurt so deep within me that it's hard to even breathe. They come at night, strong and overpowering, and don't leave until I'm asleep.

I worry about my mom too. I wonder if she's taking care of herself, if she realizes that she is worth more than she gives herself credit for. I wonder if she knows she has a family that loves her, and wants her to get better. I hope and pray that her boyfriend makes her feels special. I wonder if she thinks about me every night like I think about her.

Our relationship will never be the same. Maybe someday it'll be better than it was when I was a kid, because I understand now why I only saw her once a week, and why she was always tired and stressed. But right now, it's limited to a text message every now and again. We tried to make it more than that, but it was too fast and I'm just not ready. I have to deal with my own issues first, because I'm afraid I'll end up blaming her if I don't.

I pray, pray, pray that I will come out of this strong enough to build a relationship with her once again, and to be a good daughter. Her demons are not her fault, and she deserves to know that. I hope someday I can be the one to tell her.

I come to you with a request for prayers today. I have been reading the blog of a wonderful woman, 25 weeks pregnant with a little boy. Her blog is here, and I encourage you to go to it and learn about little Stellan. There is a chance that he will not make it to birth, and if he does, he will require heart surgery.

This family needs your prayers. This little boy needs you to stand up for him, and to pray for his safe arrival so that he may live to know his wonderful, caring family. Please pray for him.

Sharing

I just wanted to share my family with you for a moment. I think it's important that I recognize those who have made me the person I am today, and I am forever grateful for being given such wonderful people in my life.

My family and I took a vacation last month, and these pictures are from a cruise we took. The first two are my parents, the next two are my sisters.

I don't know why, but I just felt compelled to share them. Thank you for looking.

Long Time Coming

I think it's time for me to return to this blog.

I don't know why I was gone so long. My computer broke in March, but I've had it back since June. I can't use that as an excuse because, every time I press my favorites button, I see the link to this blog... but I pretend I don't.

I guess I wasn't ready to come back.

Now I am.

I had a hard night last night, a night blurred with tears that flowed from a place deep down inside of me that I had forgotten about. It was painful and tiring, bringing up things that I don't ever want to think about because I hate feeling sorry for myself. I have been blessed with so much in my life, and there is no reason for me to be so sad.

Except, there are.

These are details that I'm not ready to share. Many of you know about my niece, and some of you do not. Few of you know about my childhood, but most do not.

I'm not ready to share any of this today.

I just need to bring myself back into the habit of writing in this space. Someday I will be ready to share, and to cry as I type, and to just open myself up to complete and total strangers.

But today is not that day.

I thank all of you who just took the time to read this, even though it's probably confusing and empty to you right now. I promise, someday you will know.

Lasagna and Garlic Bread.

I don't have much to say today. It's Valentine's Day, so I guess well wishes are in order.

I'm spending the day alone, because God knows if I don't get my alone time then I go nuts. And I've been around people constantly for the past week or so, and today is the first day my roommate is out of the house and I don't have school or work. So, I'm going to cuddle up with my blanket and some movies and just enjoy some me time. I'm ridiculously excited about it.

I felt myself getting sick yesterday, but I feel better today. I prayyyy that I don't catch anything, because I'll be heartbroken if I don't get to go home and spend the weekend with Ben next weekend.

Laundry is about ready, so I'm off. Expect my supernatural story later day (I hope!)

Benjamin Countdown.
8 Days.

Springtime is coming.

The snow is awful! This picture sucks because I didn't feel like charging my actual camera and my phone is horrible at taking pictures in the dark. But driving home from work today, I saw a semi wrapped up like a snake. It was so scary, and my car fishtailed when I barely tapped on the breaks. I was supposed to go to a school board meeting tonight for a class, but I like life and don't want to lose it to some crazy, snowy roads. Anyway, for your viewing pleasure:

I made a video for Benjamin. It's the second video I have ever made, so it's not great, but I like it. The program I was using SUCKED at fading into new songs, so that part is certainly not perfect. It can be found here.


I hate Amy Winehouse, and I hate that she won five Grammy's. Taylor should have won! She looked lovely, by the way. I can't wait to see her in concert again. Her Myspace makes her seem so real, and I think that's why I like her so much. She's so down to earth about her success. And she actually acts like a real person. A picture of her at the Grammy's:

Also, her newest video can be found here.

I'm excited about Big Brother starting tonight. But, it's not going to be the same without Eric and Jessica. They were my favorite couple ever, in the whole wide world. In fact, I wonder what they're up to. I might have to do some searching and figure it out. I'll let you know what I find.

Oh.
Wanna see what I do at work all day?

I happen to be very productive.

Benjamin Countdown.
10 days.

I'm the King of Rock and Roll.

This was my weekend:

UPDATE.

I know longer get Benny for Friday, February 22. Instead, I get him all to myself ALL WEEKEND LONG. I am beyond excited about this. I can't wait to spend 72 hours with the cutest damn baby boy ever. I am just praying that this actually happens, because my plans tend to fall through a lot. I will be heartbroken if it doesn't work out.

Newest picture: Benjamin and my Daddy

---------------------------------------------

I have seen every episode of Viva La Bam in the past four days. Bam is sexy. And so is Dunn.

Word on the street is that the Writer's Strike is almost over. I hope so. I've GOT to stop watching every DVD I own over and over again.

Benjamin Countdown
17 days.

I lugged around four 80-lb mannequins at work today. And I am SORE. Seriously, I'm out of shape. I have every intention of hitting the gym, but it's always tomorrow. I'm tired today, I have to work, I have classes... always an excuse to go tomorrow. I need motivation!

In other, more exciting news, I have Benjamin time scheduled! Seriously, who wouldn't be super excited to hang out with this!?



He is the light of my life, and he's not even mine. I could not love that kid more. Melissa and Bill are going to go out for the night and I'm going home just to babysit him! Too bad it's not until February 22. Sadface. But it's for a good cause, because Melissa and Benny are heading to Virginia to spend time with her family. She really needs a break to spend time with the people she loves, and to wrap her head around losing Olivia. She told me that she's suddenly overwhelmed with it all, which makes sense. With the holiday parties and people around all the time, I can see how you can be forced to push it in the back of your mind. We all need to make peace with it, and she hasn't been given the opportunity to yet. I think it'll be good for all three of them.

All for now.

Benjamin Countdown
26 days

Baby baby.

Current Favorite Names
In no particular order.

Boys
Dominic
Henry
Adrian
Wesley
Felix
Oliver
Oscar
Cedric

Girls
Charlotte
Jane
Matilda
Violet
Alice
Vivienne
Isobel
Adelaide

Comments? Favorites? Let me know.

Heath Ledger, RIP.

I meant to post this a couple of days ago, but RIP Heath Ledger.
He was my first heart throb crush... I have every word of 10 Things I Hate About You memorized.
He was an amazing actor, and I know that he is incredibly missed by his family, friends, and fans.

Keep Matilda Rose in your prayers if you can.
I couldn't imagine growing up without my father.

Statement from the family.
Star Jones speaks out against press.

Autism Speaks.

In an effort to raise money and the awareness of autism, the band Five for Fighting is donating 0.40 each and every time this video is viewed. Please take a minute to watch it, and if you can, watch it often. Don't forget the tissues.

Click to view.

Autism affects on in every 150 children, and that number is only rising. This could be your child. Please, help fund a cure. All it takes is the click of a button and 4 minutes of your time.

Beautiful baby girl.

I used to think I knew pain. I used to think loss meant the boy who stopped caring the way he used to, or losing touch with a friend. These things are NOT loss. I used to think that bad things happened only to other people. The tragedies you here about on the news and read about in magazines, those don't happen to real people. They are stories, sad stories, but just stories. Bad things never really happen to you. That's what I used to think.

I now know the true meaning of pain. I know what it means to have something completely ripped out from underneath you without a second's notice, and to be left wondering what the HELL just happened. I know what it feels like to have a million thoughts and nowhere for them to go, and feeling like there is absolutely nobody around you who can possibly understand what you are feeling. I know what it feels like to wake up in the morning and forgetting, for just those three seconds, that everything has changed. I know how it feels to be completely unable to think about anything else, and to question yourself and what life means. It's confusion, hurt, blame, tears... it's crying one minute, being in complete disbelief the next, thinking you can accept it, and then just feeling absolutely nothing. The smiles hurt more than the tears. Trying to be happy takes everything out of me. Trying to understand is exhausting. Trying to forget is impossible.

It's not easy to comprehend why someone so beautiful was taken away from us. Maybe it's because the world is such an awful, ugly place. Sometimes remembering this helps, because I know that she will never have to feel an instant of pain, or hurt, or disappointment, or heartache. Her brother is such a blessing, and I am so happy that he is here with us. Having him helps. I don't know that any of us would be able to function if it weren't for this gorgeous little boy who has entered our lives. But it certainly doesn't take the pain away. It will always be there. Every time Benjamin celebrates a birthday, we will wonder why, WHY Olivia isn't here celebrating it with him. He will take his first steps and go off to school, and Olivia won't. It doesn't make sense. It never will.

Olivia, I hope you know how much everyone loves you and wishes that you could be here with us. We will miss you and think about you every single day that you are not here. Please look over Benjamin and keep him safe. We love you baby girl.

Olivia Grace Lutz
11.29.07-11.29.07.