I texted my mother last night. The mother who gave birth to me, that is. The mother I grew up with and who I speak to everyday is my step-mother in a technical sense, but she is the one who raised me. They are both my mothers, but in very different senses of the word.
I don't talk to her often. I haven't seen her since I was 14 and my brother and sister were taken away from her, and in turn, taken away from me. My only brother, gone from my life, along with my youngest sister. They were only 3 and 1. I barely knew them, and at the same time I knew them inside and out. They were a part of me.
Sometimes I wonder when it is I'll stop carrying all this guilt around. I could have made the choice to go to their grandparents (who they live with) and ask to be a part of their lives. It wouldn't have been the same, but it would have been something. I was young and scared and I still believe my mom was always right. I decided it was the grandparents' fault, and I hated them. Now I thank God that my siblings are in a stable home, though I wish it could have been different. I wish my mother would have been able to step up and work through her problems, and be a parent.
I love my mom. I always have, even throughout my teen years when I thought she had abandoned me and ruined my life. My dad is my hero. I would be a completely different person without him. I would probably have kids on my own, a high-school dropout, and alcoholic... who knows. My mother is not a bad person, but she wasn't prepared to be a mom at the age of 19 when she got pregnant with me. I am so very thankful that she chose to give me life, and I will always, always love her for that.
I've spent years trying to work through my feelings with all of this. I don't think I'll ever really be okay with how it all turned out.
I just worry a lot. About my mom, mostly. I know my brother and sister are cared for, but I wonder... do they remember me? Do they know I exist? In ten years, will I get the chance to get to know them again? Or are they gone from me forever? These thoughts tear me shreds. They hurt so deep within me that it's hard to even breathe. They come at night, strong and overpowering, and don't leave until I'm asleep.
I worry about my mom too. I wonder if she's taking care of herself, if she realizes that she is worth more than she gives herself credit for. I wonder if she knows she has a family that loves her, and wants her to get better. I hope and pray that her boyfriend makes her feels special. I wonder if she thinks about me every night like I think about her.
Our relationship will never be the same. Maybe someday it'll be better than it was when I was a kid, because I understand now why I only saw her once a week, and why she was always tired and stressed. But right now, it's limited to a text message every now and again. We tried to make it more than that, but it was too fast and I'm just not ready. I have to deal with my own issues first, because I'm afraid I'll end up blaming her if I don't.
I pray, pray, pray that I will come out of this strong enough to build a relationship with her once again, and to be a good daughter. Her demons are not her fault, and she deserves to know that. I hope someday I can be the one to tell her.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
A thousand years ago
I texted my mother last night. The mother who gave birth to me, that is. The mother I grew up with and who I speak to everyday is my step-mother in a technical sense, but she is the one who raised me. They are both my mothers, but in very different senses of the word.
I don't talk to her often. I haven't seen her since I was 14 and my brother and sister were taken away from her, and in turn, taken away from me. My only brother, gone from my life, along with my youngest sister. They were only 3 and 1. I barely knew them, and at the same time I knew them inside and out. They were a part of me.
Sometimes I wonder when it is I'll stop carrying all this guilt around. I could have made the choice to go to their grandparents (who they live with) and ask to be a part of their lives. It wouldn't have been the same, but it would have been something. I was young and scared and I still believe my mom was always right. I decided it was the grandparents' fault, and I hated them. Now I thank God that my siblings are in a stable home, though I wish it could have been different. I wish my mother would have been able to step up and work through her problems, and be a parent.
I love my mom. I always have, even throughout my teen years when I thought she had abandoned me and ruined my life. My dad is my hero. I would be a completely different person without him. I would probably have kids on my own, a high-school dropout, and alcoholic... who knows. My mother is not a bad person, but she wasn't prepared to be a mom at the age of 19 when she got pregnant with me. I am so very thankful that she chose to give me life, and I will always, always love her for that.
I've spent years trying to work through my feelings with all of this. I don't think I'll ever really be okay with how it all turned out.
I just worry a lot. About my mom, mostly. I know my brother and sister are cared for, but I wonder... do they remember me? Do they know I exist? In ten years, will I get the chance to get to know them again? Or are they gone from me forever? These thoughts tear me shreds. They hurt so deep within me that it's hard to even breathe. They come at night, strong and overpowering, and don't leave until I'm asleep.
I worry about my mom too. I wonder if she's taking care of herself, if she realizes that she is worth more than she gives herself credit for. I wonder if she knows she has a family that loves her, and wants her to get better. I hope and pray that her boyfriend makes her feels special. I wonder if she thinks about me every night like I think about her.
Our relationship will never be the same. Maybe someday it'll be better than it was when I was a kid, because I understand now why I only saw her once a week, and why she was always tired and stressed. But right now, it's limited to a text message every now and again. We tried to make it more than that, but it was too fast and I'm just not ready. I have to deal with my own issues first, because I'm afraid I'll end up blaming her if I don't.
I pray, pray, pray that I will come out of this strong enough to build a relationship with her once again, and to be a good daughter. Her demons are not her fault, and she deserves to know that. I hope someday I can be the one to tell her.
I don't talk to her often. I haven't seen her since I was 14 and my brother and sister were taken away from her, and in turn, taken away from me. My only brother, gone from my life, along with my youngest sister. They were only 3 and 1. I barely knew them, and at the same time I knew them inside and out. They were a part of me.
Sometimes I wonder when it is I'll stop carrying all this guilt around. I could have made the choice to go to their grandparents (who they live with) and ask to be a part of their lives. It wouldn't have been the same, but it would have been something. I was young and scared and I still believe my mom was always right. I decided it was the grandparents' fault, and I hated them. Now I thank God that my siblings are in a stable home, though I wish it could have been different. I wish my mother would have been able to step up and work through her problems, and be a parent.
I love my mom. I always have, even throughout my teen years when I thought she had abandoned me and ruined my life. My dad is my hero. I would be a completely different person without him. I would probably have kids on my own, a high-school dropout, and alcoholic... who knows. My mother is not a bad person, but she wasn't prepared to be a mom at the age of 19 when she got pregnant with me. I am so very thankful that she chose to give me life, and I will always, always love her for that.
I've spent years trying to work through my feelings with all of this. I don't think I'll ever really be okay with how it all turned out.
I just worry a lot. About my mom, mostly. I know my brother and sister are cared for, but I wonder... do they remember me? Do they know I exist? In ten years, will I get the chance to get to know them again? Or are they gone from me forever? These thoughts tear me shreds. They hurt so deep within me that it's hard to even breathe. They come at night, strong and overpowering, and don't leave until I'm asleep.
I worry about my mom too. I wonder if she's taking care of herself, if she realizes that she is worth more than she gives herself credit for. I wonder if she knows she has a family that loves her, and wants her to get better. I hope and pray that her boyfriend makes her feels special. I wonder if she thinks about me every night like I think about her.
Our relationship will never be the same. Maybe someday it'll be better than it was when I was a kid, because I understand now why I only saw her once a week, and why she was always tired and stressed. But right now, it's limited to a text message every now and again. We tried to make it more than that, but it was too fast and I'm just not ready. I have to deal with my own issues first, because I'm afraid I'll end up blaming her if I don't.
I pray, pray, pray that I will come out of this strong enough to build a relationship with her once again, and to be a good daughter. Her demons are not her fault, and she deserves to know that. I hope someday I can be the one to tell her.
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