bC.

I am into a very specific brand of boy. Or man, as they would probably like to be called now that they are over the age of 20. But ya know what? I don't really think they're men yet. In fact, I don't think boyhood really ever leaves them. Even my father still has his moments. It's endearing, really.

Back to my point. If I actually have one.

I am attracted to certain qualities. Physical, at least. Taller than me is a given, since I barely reach 2 inches above 5 feet, and that's on a good day. Besides, I think a lot of girls would like their boys taller than them.

I am into gangly. Weird, huh? I like 'em pretty small, and I love seeing that little bone on the back of their necks. A little muscle is okay, and I do mean a LITTLE. Too much is a big turn off.

I like boys who have a bit of a dorky quality to them. Such a turn on.

And of course, intelligence. And no drugs allowed.

I'm not really sure why I'm writing this. I guess it's because, for the first time since Tom and I broke up (over 2 years ago), I think I'm boy-crazy again. Seriously, I feel like a little teenager!

The worst part? I'm not a teenager anymore. No longer are the days of girlfriends and boyfriends changing by the week. No, people my age are engaged, or even married. That brings a whole new level of complication to dating. Guys who are married are a little easier to pick out- just look at the left hand. But engaged or in a very serious relationship? Unless they come out and say it, it's almost impossible to know.

And besides all that, this is my methods semester. I don't have the time to even be on this blog ( I should be reading) let alone to start a relationship. I've just really been craving a relationship right now, I guess.

This sucks.

Notebooks and pens.

Classes start tomorrow and I am so nervous. I don't think I was even this nervous starting college to begin with! I think it's because I'm doing methods this fall, which everyone tells me is the hardest semester of your life. I'll have very little free time, I won't be able to work much (which equals no money), and the teachers are tough. I know I'll make it through alive, but... I'm scared!

And the clincher? In one year from now, I will be a real live, honest to goodness teacher with a classroom. That is CRAZY to me.

If any of you are starting school tomorrow, have a terrific first day! I'll let you know how mine goes.

Box City

So, today at work, I decided to document what I did all day. This is not a typical day, since I'm not normally on stock, but I've done stock plenty of times before. And honestly, it was a nice break from having to measure boobs and clean out dressing rooms. I definitely don't love my job and am only working there at the moment to make some money through college, so I don't feel too bad saying that. Some of my customers are complete sweethearts and keep me from throwing my headset across the floor and marching out, and I thank them for that. Others... well. Others are less friendly.

Anyway! On to my day.

I arrived and was told that there were 71 (!!) cartons in the back that needed to be handled. This means they need to go into their appropriate bin if they're going to be folded, or hung up on racks to wait to be sensored.

So this is what the stack looked like when I arrived:



After one hour:



During this hour I decided to take a bathroom break:



And I also took out the trash that I had accumulated (we are a very wasteful company):








By the way, it's never a good idea to get inside a trash compactor:



Oh, I also like to try on clothes:



Especially clothes of the ugly variety:



And my stack of boxes when it was quittin' time:



Riveting, isn't it? (:

-----------------------

Melissa talked to me about names today. Right now she is liking Reagan Leigh for a girl. She didn't mention any boy names, but I suggested Nicholas after his favorite aunt's middle name (me, duh!!!) and she said she liked it.

Feel free to suggest any names and I'll pass them on to her. Her children are Benjamin Michael and Olivia Grace.

As always, thanks for reading. Leave a comment if you want!

Ah, Lemon Pledge

I have almost reached 100 views! I just added that ticker early/mid August (this month), so it's awesome that people are actually stopping by!

**If you do stop in for a minute today, or any day that you see this post, say something. (: Just hello, or how your day is going, or if you want me to come over and check out your blog. I would be happy to return the favor.**

Nothing big or exciting has happened so far today. I slept in until noon (which I really need to stop doing as classes start in three days) and just poked around on the internet. I'm on-call at work, and if I don't have to go in, I'm cleaning my apartment like a mad woman! I want it to be completely clean before classes start... kind of like a spring cleaning but in the fall. Fall cleaning!

Do any of you do spring (or fall) cleaning? I love doing it. There's something to be said about getting everything out of the closets, drawers, under the bed, etc. and just getting rid of the things you don't need. And don't just throw that stuff away! Join your local Freecycle and give it away to someone who might actually be able to use it. Let's keep as much out of the landfills as we can!

Update: Of COURSE I have to work tonight. Looks like spring, I mean FALL, cleaning will have to wait. I work the rest of the weekend, but hopefully I can find some time to do it after work tomorrow.

Right now I'm solo.

Having no money really complicates life. Sure, it was my decision to live alone and pay more than double what I was paying last year, but doesn't my emotional well-being count for something? I don't think I would have survived living with a roommate for another year, and I almost mean that literally.

Don't get me wrong. I love having my own place. I love how everything in it is mine, chosen by me. I love how, when I get home from work, everything is exactly where I left it. I love that I can move from one room to another and do whatever I want, whenever I want. I can watch my shows, sit online for hours, take a long shower, and it doesn't matter because I only have to answer to myself.

Does it get lonely every once in awhile? Sure. But my two best friends live in this very building, just a 20 second walk away. And with those two, you can really never get too lonely.

But the money thing is the real downfall. I have methods starting in four (!!!) days, and I don't have the wardrobe for it. I have $25 in the bank right now. I have rent due again in 25 days. It's never-ending. But this is what I chose. This is the life I decided to lead. And you know what, I think it's a pretty good one.

It sparkles.

Update from 8/17: After getting conflicting information both online and from the man who answered the phone at Meijer and telling me that alcohol was not sold on Sundays, it turns out it actually is.

I never watched the Olympics until this year, as I've never had a real interest in sports unless I am watching the Bengals or UC Basketball when Meeker was part of the team. But I got sucked in by friends this year, and man oh man was I happy seeing little Shawn Johnson winning a gold metal last night. If I wasn't all bundled up in my jacket, I would have gotten chills.

Speaking of which, this story just pulls at my heartstrings. It's really good to see that there are gentleman left in Hollywood (and good lookin' ones, at that!).

___________

Continued prayers for Stellan and my new niece or nephew are always appreciated.

And hey, if you feel so inclined, feel free to comment me. (:

Blessed Day

Bill and Melissa are expecting another baby!

My heart is so full of joy for them. I feel like I'm dreaming... I'm going to be an aunt again. It feels so good, and I feel guilty for feeling so good. But I know that this is God's plan, that they are meant to have another child now. This baby will never replace Olivia. No one could ever do that. I know this. It just seems so unfair that she isn't here to be a big sister to her little brother or sister. I know that she'll be there in some sense, she always is. But her little sibling is missing out on knowing her.

Please, please pray for a healthy pregnancy that will end with a healthy baby. Please also pray for peace for the parents throughout the next 8 or so months, and beyond. I cannot imagine the variety of emotions they have to be feeling right now.

I can't wait to meet you, little Max or Brooklyn!
(Names definitely pending!)

My dearest Olivia, I wish you were here. I love you.

Summer Days

I have had an excellent couple of days. Summer is drawing to a close, but for once, it seems like good change is coming along with the Fall.

I have been off of my birth control for two weeks now, because I didn't spend a week off of it last month like I should, and want to get back on track. But I've been doing so good off of it. My hormones aren't driving me crazy, I feel more friendly, and just generally happier. I'm thinking about staying off of it. Might not be the smartest choice, but I think my emotional well-being is fairly important.

I've really been able to reconnect with people that I lost touch with in the past months. Physically, they have always been here, but for some reason the relationships weren't quite what they used to be. These past days have proved that wrong! I have my best friends back.

Uh, Ohio is stupid for not selling alcohol on Sundays. Really, are we in the 1800s?

Continue to pray for Stellan. He has been doing beautifully these past couple of days/weeks. Keep up those prayers!

I had more to say, but I've lost the will to write it all out.

Have a wonderful night, all.

Lighten the mood

I got this off of another blog.
The things that I have done are in bold. I hope to expand this list!

Bought everyone in the bar a drink
Swam with wild dolphin
Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
Been inside the Great Pyramid
Held a tarantula
Taken a candle lit bath
Said I love you and meant it
Hugged a Tree
Bungee jumped
Visited Paris
Watched a lightening storm at sea
Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
Seen the Northern Lights
Gone to a huge sports game
Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
Grown and eaten your own vegetables
Touched an iceberg
Slept under the stars
Changed a baby’s diaper
Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
Watched a meteor shower
Gotten drunk on champagne
Given more than you can afford to charity
Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
Had a food fight
Bet on a winning horse
Asked out a stranger
Had a snowball fight
Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
Held a lamb
Seen a total eclipse
Ridden a roller coaster
Hit a home run
Danced like a fool, not caring who watched
Adopted an accent for an entire day
Actually felt happy about your life, even for a moment
Had two hard drives for your computer
Visited all 50 states
Taken care of someone who was too drunk
Had amazing Friends
Danced with a Stranger in a foreign country
Watched wild whales
Stolen a sign
Hitchhiked in Europe
Taken a road-trip
Gone rock climbing
Midnight walk on the beach
Gone sky diving
Visited Ireland
Been heartbroken longer than you were in love
In a restaurant sat at a stranger’s table and ate with them
Visited Japan
Milked a cow
Alphabetized your CDs
Pretended to be a superhero
Sung karaoke
Lounged around in bed all day
Posed nude in front of strangers- just kidding
Gone scuba diving
Kissed in the rain
Played in the mud
Played in the rain
Gone to a drive-in theater
Visited the Great Wall of China
Started a business
Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
Toured ancient sites
Taken a martial arts class
Played a computer game for more than 6 hours straight (back when Sims first came out! Haha)
Gotten married
Been in a movie
Crashed a party
Gotten divorced
Gone without food for 5 days
Made cookies from scratch
Won first prize in a costume contest
Ridden a gondola in Venice
Gotten a tattoo
Rafted the Snake River
Been on television news program as an “expert”
Got flowers for no reason
Performed on a stage
Been to Las Vegas
Recorded Music
Eaten shark
Had a one-night stand
Gone to Thailand
Bought a house
Been in a combat zone
Buried one/both of your parents
Been on a cruise ship
Spoken more than one language fluently
Performed in Rocky Horror
Raised Children
Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
Picked up and moved to another city
Walked on the Golden Gate Bridge
Sang loudly in the car and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
Had plastic surgery
Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have
Wrote articles for a large publication
Lost over 100 lbs
Held someone while they were having a flashback
Piloted an airplane
Petted a stingray
Broken someone’s heart
Helped an animal give birth
Won money on a TV game show
Broken a bone
Gone on an African safari
Had a body part below the neck pierced
Fired a rifle, shotgun or pistol
Eaten mushrooms gathered in the wild
Ridden a horse
Had major surgery
Had a snake as a pet
Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
Slept for more than 30 hours over 48 consecutive hours
Visited more foreign countries than US States
Visited all 7 continents
Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
Eaten Kangaroo meat
Eaten sushi
Had your picture in the paper
Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
Gone back to school
Parasailed
Petted a cockroach
Eaten fried green tomatoes
Read the Illiad
Selected one important author who you missed school to read
Killed and prepared an animal for eating
Skipped all of your school reunions
Communicated with someone without sharing a common language
Been elected to public office
Written your own computer language
Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
Had to put someone you love in hospice care
Build your own PC from parts
Sold your own artwork to someone that didn’t know it was yours
Had a booth in a street fair
Dyed your hair
Been a DJ
Shaved your head
Caused a car accident
Saved someone’s life

Any questions?
What have you done?

A thousand years ago

I texted my mother last night. The mother who gave birth to me, that is. The mother I grew up with and who I speak to everyday is my step-mother in a technical sense, but she is the one who raised me. They are both my mothers, but in very different senses of the word.

I don't talk to her often. I haven't seen her since I was 14 and my brother and sister were taken away from her, and in turn, taken away from me. My only brother, gone from my life, along with my youngest sister. They were only 3 and 1. I barely knew them, and at the same time I knew them inside and out. They were a part of me.

Sometimes I wonder when it is I'll stop carrying all this guilt around. I could have made the choice to go to their grandparents (who they live with) and ask to be a part of their lives. It wouldn't have been the same, but it would have been something. I was young and scared and I still believe my mom was always right. I decided it was the grandparents' fault, and I hated them. Now I thank God that my siblings are in a stable home, though I wish it could have been different. I wish my mother would have been able to step up and work through her problems, and be a parent.

I love my mom. I always have, even throughout my teen years when I thought she had abandoned me and ruined my life. My dad is my hero. I would be a completely different person without him. I would probably have kids on my own, a high-school dropout, and alcoholic... who knows. My mother is not a bad person, but she wasn't prepared to be a mom at the age of 19 when she got pregnant with me. I am so very thankful that she chose to give me life, and I will always, always love her for that.

I've spent years trying to work through my feelings with all of this. I don't think I'll ever really be okay with how it all turned out.

I just worry a lot. About my mom, mostly. I know my brother and sister are cared for, but I wonder... do they remember me? Do they know I exist? In ten years, will I get the chance to get to know them again? Or are they gone from me forever? These thoughts tear me shreds. They hurt so deep within me that it's hard to even breathe. They come at night, strong and overpowering, and don't leave until I'm asleep.

I worry about my mom too. I wonder if she's taking care of herself, if she realizes that she is worth more than she gives herself credit for. I wonder if she knows she has a family that loves her, and wants her to get better. I hope and pray that her boyfriend makes her feels special. I wonder if she thinks about me every night like I think about her.

Our relationship will never be the same. Maybe someday it'll be better than it was when I was a kid, because I understand now why I only saw her once a week, and why she was always tired and stressed. But right now, it's limited to a text message every now and again. We tried to make it more than that, but it was too fast and I'm just not ready. I have to deal with my own issues first, because I'm afraid I'll end up blaming her if I don't.

I pray, pray, pray that I will come out of this strong enough to build a relationship with her once again, and to be a good daughter. Her demons are not her fault, and she deserves to know that. I hope someday I can be the one to tell her.

I come to you with a request for prayers today. I have been reading the blog of a wonderful woman, 25 weeks pregnant with a little boy. Her blog is here, and I encourage you to go to it and learn about little Stellan. There is a chance that he will not make it to birth, and if he does, he will require heart surgery.

This family needs your prayers. This little boy needs you to stand up for him, and to pray for his safe arrival so that he may live to know his wonderful, caring family. Please pray for him.

Sharing

I just wanted to share my family with you for a moment. I think it's important that I recognize those who have made me the person I am today, and I am forever grateful for being given such wonderful people in my life.

My family and I took a vacation last month, and these pictures are from a cruise we took. The first two are my parents, the next two are my sisters.

I don't know why, but I just felt compelled to share them. Thank you for looking.

Long Time Coming

I think it's time for me to return to this blog.

I don't know why I was gone so long. My computer broke in March, but I've had it back since June. I can't use that as an excuse because, every time I press my favorites button, I see the link to this blog... but I pretend I don't.

I guess I wasn't ready to come back.

Now I am.

I had a hard night last night, a night blurred with tears that flowed from a place deep down inside of me that I had forgotten about. It was painful and tiring, bringing up things that I don't ever want to think about because I hate feeling sorry for myself. I have been blessed with so much in my life, and there is no reason for me to be so sad.

Except, there are.

These are details that I'm not ready to share. Many of you know about my niece, and some of you do not. Few of you know about my childhood, but most do not.

I'm not ready to share any of this today.

I just need to bring myself back into the habit of writing in this space. Someday I will be ready to share, and to cry as I type, and to just open myself up to complete and total strangers.

But today is not that day.

I thank all of you who just took the time to read this, even though it's probably confusing and empty to you right now. I promise, someday you will know.