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Sunday, November 30, 2008

Alone?

I've been feeling down.

It's been a weekend full of emotions. I miss my niece, horribly. I think missing her has escalated other emotions. And with that, the feeling of being alone and lonely.

I was supposed to go on a blind date last night. I haven't dated in years, and the reason for that is a whole other post. The point is, it was going to be the first in quite some time. And that's just sad. I'm 21 years old and I'm already feeling resigned to being alone for the duration of my life. I have my family, and I have good friends. But love? I don't exactly have that. Not romantic love, that is.

As it is, I didn't go on my date. I chalked it up to being exhausted- I worked 1-10 and my mind and heart were heavy because of the anniversary of my niece's death. Sadly, I didn't think too hard on that. I think she knows I love and miss her... in fact, I HAVE to believe she knows. I didn't even cry. Does that make me a terrible person? I feel bad about it. I started to on my drive home last night, but the tears didn't make it out of my eyes. Is it okay that I didn't cry? I feel like I've cried over her so many times that... well, I didn't yesterday. I do need to spend some time being with her. I may do that tonight. It's just, when I do spend my time with her, it often effects me for days, more so than normal. It takes me to a pretty dark place. I'm not sure I'm ready to go there quite yet. And I think she understands that.

Loneliness.

For several reasons, I won't be going out with this particular person in the future, either. I'm sure he's a perfectly decent guy, but his reaction to our broken date, when we haven't even met yet- I'm not prepared to deal with someone like that.

And frankly, I'm afraid of what another person might do to me. I have a lot of things in my life, a lot to be thankful for. And I am thankful. And I'm worried about the pitfalls of relationships- the jealousy it can bring, and the worry, and the doubt. And I am worried that it might change me. I've been closer to God this year than ever before in my life. I was thinking about all this when something came to me:

God will never leave me.

And just that fact in and of itself, that should be enough. Why am I so worried about finding someone? And not even finding someone... someone who isn't going to change who I am. Someone who shares my love of Jesus, someone who will love me, completely and deeply, for the person that I am. Does this man even exist? It seems that God is the one, the only one, who can give that to me.

And that's really enough.

It has to be. Who else knows me more than I know myself? Who will look at me, accept me completely?

Does that mean I'm going to stop looking for that kind, generous, loving Christian man that seems to exist only in my head? No, probably not. Maybe he's out there somewhere. Maybe not.

This post has taken all kinds of turns in directions I'm not sure I meant for it to take. I appreciate you (all of you!) for taking the time to read a little, or some, or all of it.

Have a nice week, everyone.

7 comments:

Liz said...

Huge (HUGS) I can sympathize with you - I think I was in a similar place as you when I was 21 (man that was 10 years ago...eek!!) I remember being stressed and sad and lonely. I remember feeling like I would NEVER find anyone. Please hang in there, it does get better - well it can get better. You are right that you are never alone.

It sounds like you were better off not going on that date. You will find the right guy - you will be lead to him, when the time is right and when you are ready. Maybe right now you need to focus on you and take care of yourself. You have a lot going on in your life right now and it sounds like a lot you are dealing with.

I wish I could say something that would just make you feel better right now...I can't even imagine the pain you feel over your neice. But you are not horrible for not crying over her - I am sure she would want you to be happy and keep on with your life.

If I could I would give you a HUGE HUG...I will be praying for you right now...I hope you starting feeling up again soon.

(BTW - you are a very impressive and successful young women already. I love reading your blog and all your triumphs with work. You are on your way to a great career and a wonderful future.)

Much love & many hugs,
Liz

Heather said...

Like Liz, I'm 10 years older than you too. Seems like forever ago... so to hear you feeling down and out at 21 feels wrong! You have your whole life ahead of you, and despite the fact that it's hard to believe right now, you really will meet someone to love and who loves you just as much (or more, if you're lucky!). I didn't meet my husband until I was 26 and I have a few friends my age who are just getting married! I know you're anxious for life to "start," for a nice husband and a few babies (which you will spend forever discussing their names!), but try to cherish the moments you have to yourself now, with your friends and family.

Geez, I'm sounding really sappy here... sorry. I just hope you have a better week! I am terribly sorry about your niece. Her picture tore me up and I couldn't even mutter a response. With a healthy 6-month-old, it's hard to think about babies that didn't even get a chance. But Olivia's in a good place and you'll get to meet her again someday, a LONG time from now!

Just think, only a few more weeks till Christmas break!! Woohoo!!!!

Khadra said...

not crying is OK. You mourn and feel how you need to feel. Your niece knows she is loved.

Im sorry you are feeling so down.

Elizabeth said...

I have so many things I would love to say and the space here is just too small to say it all.

I can't imagine your heartache in the loss of your niece. I had a miscarriage myself and felt like no one even carried (it's become too common). I would have loved the support and love you are giving your sister and niece. I had a loss this year in my amazing Mother-in-law. We all grieve differently. I believe I've grieved more than my husband. Not because he didn't love his mother or that they were not close, because they were. We just grieve differently. Do not beat yourself up over how you are grieving.

I can't imagine how hard it is to date now-a-days. I too am about 10 years older than you and I have been married since I was 20. I was blessed to find my husband while still in high school. We attended the same church, had the same values, and both were apart of the youth worship team. I am thankful every day that I was given the gift of him at such a young age.

I want to encourage you to keep pressing on. Seek the Lord for you soul-mate. And I will tell you what I have told other friends of mine...when you give it over to God and let Him have complete control and stop looking, it is then that He will give what you long for.

I am praying for you. You are such a sweetheart and I know that God has great plans for you and your future. ;)

Emily said...

i am praying for you sweet friend.. sometimes God gives us these moments of weakness so we know we can lean on him and know that he is always with us and will never fail us. Also, hard times help us be stronger in the long run. Im always here for you and praying for you!

Julie said...

It took me until I was 29 to find the right person. It was hard being single when most of my friends were married with kids. But God's timing is perfect.

God has plans for you and even though it's tough sometimes, you have to trust his timing.

Rachel said...

So glad your focus is on the right place (God).

My devotional this morning talked about how God plants things in our lives... and how they don't come to fruition until HE and WE are ready for them.

And this may also mean "he" (as in a Christian guy who isn't Christian yet... if that makes any sense) for the perfect timing.

Praying for you.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Alone?

I've been feeling down.

It's been a weekend full of emotions. I miss my niece, horribly. I think missing her has escalated other emotions. And with that, the feeling of being alone and lonely.

I was supposed to go on a blind date last night. I haven't dated in years, and the reason for that is a whole other post. The point is, it was going to be the first in quite some time. And that's just sad. I'm 21 years old and I'm already feeling resigned to being alone for the duration of my life. I have my family, and I have good friends. But love? I don't exactly have that. Not romantic love, that is.

As it is, I didn't go on my date. I chalked it up to being exhausted- I worked 1-10 and my mind and heart were heavy because of the anniversary of my niece's death. Sadly, I didn't think too hard on that. I think she knows I love and miss her... in fact, I HAVE to believe she knows. I didn't even cry. Does that make me a terrible person? I feel bad about it. I started to on my drive home last night, but the tears didn't make it out of my eyes. Is it okay that I didn't cry? I feel like I've cried over her so many times that... well, I didn't yesterday. I do need to spend some time being with her. I may do that tonight. It's just, when I do spend my time with her, it often effects me for days, more so than normal. It takes me to a pretty dark place. I'm not sure I'm ready to go there quite yet. And I think she understands that.

Loneliness.

For several reasons, I won't be going out with this particular person in the future, either. I'm sure he's a perfectly decent guy, but his reaction to our broken date, when we haven't even met yet- I'm not prepared to deal with someone like that.

And frankly, I'm afraid of what another person might do to me. I have a lot of things in my life, a lot to be thankful for. And I am thankful. And I'm worried about the pitfalls of relationships- the jealousy it can bring, and the worry, and the doubt. And I am worried that it might change me. I've been closer to God this year than ever before in my life. I was thinking about all this when something came to me:

God will never leave me.

And just that fact in and of itself, that should be enough. Why am I so worried about finding someone? And not even finding someone... someone who isn't going to change who I am. Someone who shares my love of Jesus, someone who will love me, completely and deeply, for the person that I am. Does this man even exist? It seems that God is the one, the only one, who can give that to me.

And that's really enough.

It has to be. Who else knows me more than I know myself? Who will look at me, accept me completely?

Does that mean I'm going to stop looking for that kind, generous, loving Christian man that seems to exist only in my head? No, probably not. Maybe he's out there somewhere. Maybe not.

This post has taken all kinds of turns in directions I'm not sure I meant for it to take. I appreciate you (all of you!) for taking the time to read a little, or some, or all of it.

Have a nice week, everyone.

7 comments:

Liz said...

Huge (HUGS) I can sympathize with you - I think I was in a similar place as you when I was 21 (man that was 10 years ago...eek!!) I remember being stressed and sad and lonely. I remember feeling like I would NEVER find anyone. Please hang in there, it does get better - well it can get better. You are right that you are never alone.

It sounds like you were better off not going on that date. You will find the right guy - you will be lead to him, when the time is right and when you are ready. Maybe right now you need to focus on you and take care of yourself. You have a lot going on in your life right now and it sounds like a lot you are dealing with.

I wish I could say something that would just make you feel better right now...I can't even imagine the pain you feel over your neice. But you are not horrible for not crying over her - I am sure she would want you to be happy and keep on with your life.

If I could I would give you a HUGE HUG...I will be praying for you right now...I hope you starting feeling up again soon.

(BTW - you are a very impressive and successful young women already. I love reading your blog and all your triumphs with work. You are on your way to a great career and a wonderful future.)

Much love & many hugs,
Liz

Heather said...

Like Liz, I'm 10 years older than you too. Seems like forever ago... so to hear you feeling down and out at 21 feels wrong! You have your whole life ahead of you, and despite the fact that it's hard to believe right now, you really will meet someone to love and who loves you just as much (or more, if you're lucky!). I didn't meet my husband until I was 26 and I have a few friends my age who are just getting married! I know you're anxious for life to "start," for a nice husband and a few babies (which you will spend forever discussing their names!), but try to cherish the moments you have to yourself now, with your friends and family.

Geez, I'm sounding really sappy here... sorry. I just hope you have a better week! I am terribly sorry about your niece. Her picture tore me up and I couldn't even mutter a response. With a healthy 6-month-old, it's hard to think about babies that didn't even get a chance. But Olivia's in a good place and you'll get to meet her again someday, a LONG time from now!

Just think, only a few more weeks till Christmas break!! Woohoo!!!!

Khadra said...

not crying is OK. You mourn and feel how you need to feel. Your niece knows she is loved.

Im sorry you are feeling so down.

Elizabeth said...

I have so many things I would love to say and the space here is just too small to say it all.

I can't imagine your heartache in the loss of your niece. I had a miscarriage myself and felt like no one even carried (it's become too common). I would have loved the support and love you are giving your sister and niece. I had a loss this year in my amazing Mother-in-law. We all grieve differently. I believe I've grieved more than my husband. Not because he didn't love his mother or that they were not close, because they were. We just grieve differently. Do not beat yourself up over how you are grieving.

I can't imagine how hard it is to date now-a-days. I too am about 10 years older than you and I have been married since I was 20. I was blessed to find my husband while still in high school. We attended the same church, had the same values, and both were apart of the youth worship team. I am thankful every day that I was given the gift of him at such a young age.

I want to encourage you to keep pressing on. Seek the Lord for you soul-mate. And I will tell you what I have told other friends of mine...when you give it over to God and let Him have complete control and stop looking, it is then that He will give what you long for.

I am praying for you. You are such a sweetheart and I know that God has great plans for you and your future. ;)

Emily said...

i am praying for you sweet friend.. sometimes God gives us these moments of weakness so we know we can lean on him and know that he is always with us and will never fail us. Also, hard times help us be stronger in the long run. Im always here for you and praying for you!

Julie said...

It took me until I was 29 to find the right person. It was hard being single when most of my friends were married with kids. But God's timing is perfect.

God has plans for you and even though it's tough sometimes, you have to trust his timing.

Rachel said...

So glad your focus is on the right place (God).

My devotional this morning talked about how God plants things in our lives... and how they don't come to fruition until HE and WE are ready for them.

And this may also mean "he" (as in a Christian guy who isn't Christian yet... if that makes any sense) for the perfect timing.

Praying for you.